Let’s take a little breather from talking about how Georgia Speaker David Ralston misused his legislative privilege to free child rapists while saying that WE have no souls if we don’t elect Jussie Smollet to the Supreme Court. Let’s set aside the fact that the NAACP isn’t being kicked off twitter for saying ALL police are racist sub-humans who “murder black fathers,” while people who merely re-tweet the NAACP tweet to show how bat-crazy it is are having their accounts shut down.
Let’s save for tomorrow that speech someone needs to give soon-to-be former Governor Kemp when he signs that despicable hate crimes bill that will make his daughter a lesser victim in the eyes of the law if, say, she and her gay girlfriend both get gang raped by the same gang rapists because his daughter is just a heterosexual rape victim, not someone important like a gay rape victim.
No, no matter how many rifles Brian Kemp embarrassingly hoists in tv ads pretending he actually gives a shit about his own daughter, or anyone else’s, he is about to sign legislation destroying the sacred principle that everyone’s raped daughter is equal in the eyes of the law to everyone else’s raped daughter, not less equal than the daughters who are actually men dressed like women, or lesbians, or some other rarer-than-hen’s teeth event.
No, let’s talk about something other than the Georgia General Assembly sending some rape victims or possible future rape victims to the back of the justice bus: let’s take a little break and talk about Jenna Marbles.
Jenna Marbles and Her Dog Kermit, in Happier Days
Jenna Marbles is a completely apolitical, entirely innocent (if you don’t count having been a Hooter’s waitress) You-Tube megastar who talks to adolescent girls and probably lots of stalky middle-aged men about topics such as “How To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good-Looking” (lots of eyeliner), and advice such as like “Everyone has had a good cry over Adele, but it’s probably not a good idea to call your ex and cry-sing it to them.” She is most famous for kooky make-up tutorials and “challenges” such as this one, where she applied 100 layers of make-up to her face at the same time, which is something teenage-girls apparently like to do, doubtlessly prodded by companies such as Maybelline, whose corporate interest in this bizarre behavior requires no further explanation.
Jenna Marbles also does tutorials on fancy methods for braiding your hair, which in today’s environment of extreme sensitivity might shriek “Danger, Will Rogers” except the hair-braiding she’s talking about is based on some weird Norwegian cult fixated with doing extremely complex braids to imitate faerie princesses from the Icelandic Sagas. Or something.
Icelandic Faery Princess Hair
Jenna Marbles, Doing the Same Thing, Only with Rhinestones and Daiquiris
In addition to teaching young girls how to survive break-ups and sew Halloween costumes for their dogs and be not very good at picking boyfriends who actually turn out to be really OK and make weird wigs out of artificial eyelashes and use bronzer to make your breasts look larger, Jenna Marbles is also famous for being YouTube’s biggest female star with 3.3 billion video views and millions of dollars in revenue, so don’t underestimate her, even when she has her elderly hamster cremated or spends a day feeding her dogs in baby chairs or shaves off her eyebrows just because a fan asked her to.
But now, it’s all over: Jenna Marbles has been cancelled. Ironically, the reason she was cancelled is because in some video posted aeons ago, she purportedly used too much bronzer and made a joke about it, and now that’s considered blackface.
Look, this is a woman who drinks bronzer, and not because she wants to look like a black person: it’s because she used to work in a sports bar. In upstate New York. Where there is no sun. She drank bronzer for tips.
This is a woman who has used make-up to do everything from blend into her sofa cushions to surprise her dogs, to seeing what would happen if she disguised herself like a green-screen IN a green-screen (answer: nothing).
Jenna Marbles mocks everyone, but especially herself. And her dogs, who, to be fair, are pretty ridiculous.
She makes fun of her nice boyfriend. She makes fun of the extraordinary fact that she makes millions playing with hair and make-up on YouTube like some giant Make-Up Barbie doll. She’s made a multi-million dollar business acting silly and harming no-one and actually showing that deep down, past the potty mouth, she is actually a very nice and very self-depracating and very likable person.
But none of this is really about her. It’s about culturally-sanctioned hatred of nice, apolitical white females, a hatred that’s quickly amping up to the level of lynch-mobbing.
Meanwhile, truly nasty, truly abusive leftist social comedians face no such social sanctioning precisely because they’re nasty leftists. Sarah Silverman started one of her HBO comedy specials mocking the speech of Hispanic gang-bangers. Steven Colbert, for several seasons, played a closeted, stereotypically vicious gay history teacher named Chuck Noblet, who showers naked with Principal Onyx Blackman (who is black) and Coach Cherri Wolfe (yes, lesbian) on Amy Sedaris’ Strangers With Candy. Sanctimonious, faux-politically incorrect Boston comedian Bill Burr relentlessly mocks “white trash” while calling relatively mild comedians racist, while simultaneously getting a pass on his own crude racist jokes because his wife is black and because he calls other comedians racist. And so on, and so on, and so on.
It used to be that there was a place in the world for people like Jenna Marbles who just wants to dress her dogs in little Star Wars costumes and teach adolescent girls how to apply eyeliner and survive getting their first period in gym class without being scarred for life.
Not anymore. They’re coming for all of us. They came for Jenna Marbles today, and I did nothing but write this crappy blog.